Chapter Nine: A Public-Service Message on Relationships

People enter into relationships like they’re buying a new car. They do the research they can, but ultimately they think they have a three-hour window in which to complete the test drive, kick the tires, and either make a deal—or get off the lot.

I’d say that this behavior puzzles me, because it does—from an observer’s perspective. However, when you think about it like anything else in life, it makes its own strange sense.

If there was one problem I felt was epidemic with humanity, it’s the propensity to make a decision right now. It’s as though we’re closure junkies—we can’t deal with it if we don’t know how something ends up. It’s true of sitcoms, phone conversations, movies, and relationship prospects. We can’t just leave the thing be.

I have two predominant classes of friends: Those who are single, and regret being single, and those who are in relationships, and can’t wait to be out of them. It’s amazing to me how many people are stuck in one of two modes: loneliness, or exasperation.

One of my friends, who has been with his husband for over twenty years, posted a clip on Facebook about how marriage is “all the ugly stuff,” including the bad times, having to support someone who can’t (won’t) support themselves, and farting. Always, always, it comes back to the farting.

There’s a problem when the choice comes down to “be lonely” versus “be frustrated.” If the best thing we can say about marriage is that misery loves company, then we’re not exactly upselling it. Think about it from an automotive perspective: Who really wants to buy the car that’s “not as awful” as the others?